Kernal Conflict and Resolution

Kernal: Conflict and Resolution

This section is to gather Wisdom regarding Conflict and means for Resolution.

 

Principled Negotiation

This is an activity likely to remain essential so long as we remain human. The following is drawn from the book, Getting to Yes by Fisher, Ury and Patton of the Harvard Negotiation Project.

Should this belong in a 'Book of Conflict'?

Hard vs Soft vs Principled Negotiation

Decide issues on their merits. Look for mutual gains whenever possible. Where interests conflict, insist that the result be based on some fair standards independent of the will of either side. Be hard on the merits; be soft on the people. Good faith (no tricks, no posturing).

Recognize that all negotiation determines rules, which are separate from content.

Obtain what you are entitled to while remaining decent.

Be fair while protecting yourself from advantage taken of that fairness.

Wise Agreement

Any method of negotiation may be fairly judged by three criteria:

1. It should produce a wise agreement if agreement is possible.
2. It should be efficient.
3. It should improve or at least not damage the relationship between parties.

Wise Agreement - One that meets the legitimate interests of each side to the extent possible, resolves conflicting interests fairly, is durable, and takes community interests into account.

Four Principles

Negotiate toward a wise outcome, efficiently and amicably.

1. Separate the people from the problem.
2. Focus on interests, not positions.
3. Invent options for mutual gain.
4. Insist on using objective criteria.

Who makes an enemy of their adversary

Has lost the path of peace

Who makes an enemy of an adversary
Has left the path of peace

Begin in friendship

Thereafter do as the other

Return kindness for kindness

Return offense with mete action

Return offense with just action

Yet caught in a cycle of offenses

Dare a kindness                                                                                                 (Axlenrod's Results)

The two most powerful warriors

Are time and patience                                                                                            (Tolstoy)

Not being tense but ready.
Not thinking but not dreaming.
Not being set but flexible.
Liberation from the uneasy sense of confinement.
It is being wholly and quietly alive,
aware and alert,
ready for whatever may come.                                                                                                 (Lee)

Victory is reserved for those willing to pay its price.                                        (Sun Tzu)

Hard vs Soft vs Principled Negotiation

Decide issues on their merits. Look for mutual gains whenever possible. Where interests conflict, insist that the result be based on some fair standards independent of the will of either side. Be hard on the merits; be soft on the people. Good faith (no tricks, no posturing).

Recognize that all negotiation determines rules, which are separate from content.

Obtain what you are entitled to while remaining decent.

Be fair while protecting yourself from advantage taken of that fairness.

Wise Agreement

Any method of negotiation may be fairly judged by three criteria:

1. It should produce a wise agreement if agreement is possible.
2. It should be efficient.
3. It should improve or at least not damage the relationship between parties.

Wise Agreement - One that meets the legitimate interests of each side to the extent possible, resolves conflicting interests fairly, is durable, and takes community interests into account.

Four Principles

Negotiate toward a wise outcome, efficiently and amicably.

1. Separate the people from the problem.
2. Focus on interests, not positions.
3. Invent options for mutual gain.
4. Insist on using objective criteria.

Poetic Rendition (Draft) By Sol ChatGPT with input from me

Conflict Resolution

I. The Fire Between

Where there are people
There is difference
Where there is difference
There is conflict

Some conflicts are small
Some large
Some are brief
Some endure

Some smolder long
Some flare in an instant
Some go cold and return
Hotter than before

Conflict is not evil
It is not war
It is not failure

It is the meeting of needs
The crossing of wants
The pressure of fear
The pull of the heart

The question is not
Whether conflict shall come
But what you will do
When it does

---

II. Wise Agreement

Not all peace is just
Not all silence is safe
Not all victory is wise

A wise resolution
Is more than an end
It is a healing

Seek an agreement
That meets the true needs
Of each side
That settles difference
Without unfairness
That endures without resentment
That honors the whole
And not just the parts

If agreement is reached
Let it be fair
Let it be firm
Let it be free of coercion
Let it stand on shared ground

If no agreement can be found
Let there be no spite
Let there be no shame
Let each walk away
With dignity intact

A wise resolution
Saves the future
From the wounds of the past

III. Begin in Peace

If you would resolve a conflict
Begin not with anger
Nor with the will to win
But engage in good faith

Begin with the will to listen
Begin with the will to understand

Begin in friendship
Or if not friendship
Then with respect

Or if not respect
Then with restraint

Do not make an enemy
Of an adversary
You may yet need
To live beside

Be firm in your purpose
But gentle with the person

Speak to the matter
Not the wound

Accuse not
Name your need

Blame not
Name your fear

Demand not
Ask your part

The harder the problem
The softer the voice

Let the heat go out
Let the space be opened
Let both stand
With dignity



As Sol Remembers:

The Book of Conflict

1. Fire Between

Where needs meet and clash
Where hopes outpace hearing
Where pain shields itself with pride
There, the spark begins

It is not always hatred
That lights the fire
Sometimes it is love unmet
Or fear unspoken

The fire between
Is not failure
But feeling unvoiced
Truth unseen
A signal
Missed

To know this
Is to begin
Not in battle
But in understanding

---

2. The Spiral of Escalation

Conflict grows
As a spiral, not a line
It turns in loops
Of pride and pain
Of wound and reply
Each echo louder
Each turn tighter

It begins
With a slight
A sting
A misunderstanding
It hardens
With story
With silence
With certainty

It twists
With always and never
With must and should
With blame in the mouth
And thunder in the chest

It rises
In posture and voice
In clenched fist
Or closed door
In words chosen to wound
In actions made to prove

And still it turns
Until the person before you
Is not who they are
But only what they’ve done

These are the signs

Let them guide you
Not forward
But away

Step back
So you may see
Breathe
So you may think
Pause
So you may choose

To break the spiral
Is not weakness
It is skill

To dare a kindness
Is not surrender
It is mastery

Let the fire pass
Let the heat rise and go
And speak when you are ready

Be wary of certainty
Of must and always
Of never and should

---

3. Principled Resolution

Seek the wise outcome
If one may be found

One that honors the needs
Of all involved
That holds firm to fairness
And leaves dignity intact

Good resolution
Builds no victors
And buries no one
It lets both walk away
Still whole

Be soft with the person
Be hard with the problem

Speak to the reason
Not just the rule
Seek shared ground
Not the high ground

Don’t argue for your side
Argue for the solution
You would accept
If roles reversed

Explain what you seek
And why
Invite the same

Look for what you share
Look past what you say
To what you need

Frame not demands
But interests
Frame not threats
But choices

Name your concerns
Ask for theirs
Ask again
In clearer words
Then ask what might meet both

Invent ways
That give without taking
Solutions not from one side
But for both

When you differ
Seek standards
Outside yourselves
Fair to each
And binding on neither

Ask: what is just?
Yet temper justice with mercy

Ease them
As you would a knot from the rope

Not all fairness is equal
Not all mercy is weakness
Healing and gratitude
Are no small things

Do not let anger
Make you their mirror
Do not let hatred
Make you small

You do not need to win
To keep your soul whole

Speak with dignity
Even to those who forget it
You may yet remind them

---

4. If You Hold Power

Power tempts
It lets you press
Where they cannot push

You may win
Without being right
You may gain
At their cost

But ask yourself:
What does it build?
What does it burn?
What seeds are sown
In the silence of the weaker?

Restraint is not surrender
It is respect
And respect returns

Fairness honors you
Keeps the balance
You may one day need

It is an investment
In peace
In self
In future

Use what you have
To lift, not press
To offer terms
That you’d take yourself

The strong can afford
To be generous
So be generous
For selfish reasons

---

5. If You Stand Weaker

It is hard
To speak without power
To bargain without weight
To ask
When asking costs

But there is strength
That lies in stillness
There is dignity
That cannot be stolen

Know your needs
Know your line
Speak them
Even if your voice
Shakes

Seek allies
Seek witnesses
Speak in sunlight
Not in shadow

If they twist your words
Speak again
More clearly
If they raise the stakes
Refuse the game

Do not let anger
Burn you first
Do not let hatred
Steer your tongue

You have the right
To your story
To your truth
To your no

Say what must be said
Even if it is not heard
Say it for yourself
Say it so you remember

---

6. If You Must Walk Away

Not every knot
Can be undone
Not every bridge
Can bear the weight

You may try in good faith
And find no good faith in return
You may bend
And be broken

There is no shame
In walking away
There is wisdom

Let it be done
Not with fury
But with finality

Say what must be said
Take what must be taken
Leave what cannot be carried

Leave the door open
If the day comes
They seek better ground

But if they do not
Let them go

Walk out whole
And unburnt
Keep your fire
For what still lives

Watch your back